Reached for comment in his secret

purple bathtub at his ranch in Crawford, Texas,

Bush was so flabbergasted by the news of Iraq's win

he stopped pushing all the small

plastic submarines around the water

and making motorboat sounds for a full minute

"I been tryin' so hard, you know? (Sniffle.)

I just ... I just always believed we could do it!

Dick and Turd Blossom told me if we just lied

about WMD and killed tons of people,

God would see fit to write our names

in the Big Book of History!

And it worked! You hear that, daddy?

War of the Year! Will you love me now?"

Iraq named "War of the Year"!

Bloody nation cheers 4th straight title.

Afghanistan sulks. "I'm speechlost!"

sniffled Bush [Original]

Here comes the news that you, your ravaged and saddened heart, and the world at large have all just awarded Bush's disastrous, embarrassing, profoundly disgusting occupation of Iraq "War of the Year," for the fourth consecutive year.

"On behalf of myself and my boss who will both go down in history as two of the most insipid and deleterious world leaders you will ever have the displeasure of miserably recalling all your sad and pathetic days, I can only say, who the fuck are you people and how did you get past security?" snarled Vice President Dick Cheney, from the side of his mouth, appearing in a ragged black bathrobe with little pink hand grenades stitched all over it, and carrying a shotgun. "Get off my lawn!"

"It is high honor to be even nominated," said the clearly touched, bullet-riddled and violently hemorrhaging nation of Iraq, upon barely hearing the news over the sounds of raging gunfire and explosions and all the screaming.

"To win once more, to now officially take place among most unnecessary, vile and costly wars of all time, to permanently etch name of our tiny, underwhelming nation into mind and heart and history of most powerful country in world.

"Despite how most people on planet could not find Iraq on map prior to Bush reign of idiocy, is honor not even Saddam himself could have ever dreamed," it added, lifting what's left of its one shredded arm to wipe a tear from its one remaining, half-blind eye, before fainting completely from the loss of blood.

Iraq's win, long considered the overwhelming choice to voters, came as no surprise to at least a few U.S. states. "One word: rigged," sneered California, alleged to be reeking with unpatriotic anti-American disgust from all the hippies and the tofu and the George Clooney.

"Sure, watch me throw upwards of a trillion of everyone else's dollars, along with thousands of young American lives, at a ragtag nation with no discernible military.

And then let me rape the Constitution, kill habeas corpus, mock the United Nations, torture and maim and spread false fear like a disease, and I'll win a little award too," it huffed, before lighting up a big doobie and sulking off to sit on the beach to watch bits of plastic wash ashore from the Great Pacific Garbage Patch.

Even Texas, busy lethally injecting prison inmates and shooting up the place and dressing like it was prom night in 1989 and using so much goddamn hairspray it makes the ozone wince, was less than complimentary.

"Sumthin' ain't right 'bout this," muttered the lumbering, overfed state, between inhaling entire buckets of deep-fried mozzarella cheese poppers and belching the fight song of a local college football team.

"Oil prices is skyrockin' and it's costin' me over 100 buckaroos just to fill the Expedition to drive to Taco Bell! I mean, come on, George!

"Stick a big, fat oil pipe into Baghdad, aim it at our U.S. oil refineries, press the 'Suck' button, and let's git the hell outta there!"

Finally reached for comment in his secret purple bathtub at his ranch in Crawford, Texas, President Bush appeared to be so flabbergasted by the news of Iraq's win that he actually stopped pushing all the small plastic submarines around the water and making motorboat sounds for a full minute, so he could gather his thoughts to try and speak.

"I been tryin' so hard, you know? (Sniffle.) I just ... I just always believed we could do it! Dick and Turd Blossom told me if we just lied about WMD and killed tons of people, God would see fit to write our names in the Big Book of History! And it worked! You hear that, daddy? War of the Year! Will you love me now?"

Not everyone was so upbeat. Upon hearing of yet another Iraq victory, Afghanistan was, perhaps understandably, less than enthusiastic. "What a f-ing sham," sighed Mullah Omar of Kandahar.

"Iraq has nothing! No WMD! No nuke program! Not as much easy oil as you think! Stupid tribal wars lasting forever and ever! Saddam big fat joke! You dump $600 billion so far and this is what you have to show? Sham, I say!

"Who has the real terrorists? Who has a resurgent Taliban, raping women and beating kittens and repressing all life and once again controlling the poppy production to make yummy opium to sell to secretly gay U.S. Republican senators and megachurch pastors at big discount?

"Who still has Osama bin Laden stored in bombed-out Hyatt Regency parking garage in downtown Kabul? Afghanistan, that's who! What, I say too much? Do not care! Iraq win a sham! Afghanistan is war of century!" he screamed, waving his American-made rifle in the air. "Also: iPhone rules!"

Despite the general negative reaction, nothing could disguise the obvious glee on the fat, pockmarked face of the parent of the Iraq War, the War on Terror.

It was once again breaking out the Champagne and killing innocent civilians and torturing your intelligence and murdering all hope and tapping your phone line and confiscating your water bottle at the airport in celebration.

"I knew it! I knew my little baby had the goods! Who's the stupid bitch now, hmm, California? Who's the illegal violation of international U.N. treaty now, pacifist bitches?

"Eat my rotten Geneva Convention, France! War of the Year! Yes! What's that you say? Half a million dead in the 'Darfur conflict'? So what? Now, if they had some oil, maybe they'd be a competitor!"

However, while four consecutive "War of the Year" wins might seem impressive, it's still a far cry from the all-time record.

"Goddamn whippersnappers today, don't know a real war from a hole in the head!" muttered the cranky, thoroughly insane, wildly costly War on Drugs, winner of the prize, off and on, a whopping 23 times since President Nixon announced it in 1969.

"You want a war? I'll show you a goddamn war. I've seriously drained the economies of a dozen major nations, ruined hundreds of thousands of lives and packed American prisons to overflowing largely over bulls- marijuana laws and three-strikes crapola.

"I deform cultures, misguide societies, regurgitate bogus propaganda by way of everything from federal health departments to alarmist news programs to dishonest school textbooks.

"I drip with brutal irony and hypocrisy in a hundred different ways, cause serious pants-wetting in nearly every politician on the planet, not a single one of whom has the balls to stand up to me and publicly acknowledge what a total failure I am. I've cost America alone untold billions over the years.

"And guess what? I'm still going strong! Still leeching from the tax base and destroying lives and making mockery of reason and humanity.

"Ha! War on Iraq, my bong-loving ass! The War on Drugs shoots a speedball of cocaine/heroin directly into my eyeball in mockery! Now get the hell out of here. I need an Ambien and a nap."

Meanwhile, upstart contenders for the highly sought-after prize appeared to be merely biding their time.

"We're aiming for 2008, maybe 2009," said one fiery competitor. "It's just a matter of how many troops and how many billions you silly Americans are insane enough to throw at us."

"'War of the Year' shall be ours very soon!" screamed a clearly overexcited Iran.