Tonight’s Republican debate

in South Carolina should be really good,

as the 10 douchebags fall over each other

trying to give the most praise

to racist bag-of-shit Jerry Falwell,

whose Jabba-like corpse is still warm

yet comically unresponsive

At a time like this,

people deserve sympathy and good wishes … except for Falwell

an evil son of a bitch who had a long career

as a vile televangelist building an empire

of bigotry from the donations of poor people

Fundamentalist preacher Jerry Falwell was found unconscious in his office today and rushed to a hospital in Lynchburg, Virginia, but later died, according to various media reports.

Falwell made his fortune on the backs of GLBT people. He degraded them and formed the Moral Majority in an effort to ruin America and turn it into a fundamentalist nation.

Before he turned his wrath to gay people, he was a staunch opponent of interracial marriage and was pro-segregation. He certainly was a busy man.

Won't the good preacher be shocked when he finds himself at the gates of Hell this morning!

Man, I would love to post that video on YouTube.

I must go now and mourn with a glass of champagne.

I can hardly contain my sorrow.

God Angrily Awaiting Jerry Falwell's Arrival [He's So fucking fat]

Falwell collapsed in his office this morning, and he’s in the hospital, and he’s “gravely unresponsive.”

At a time like this, people deserve sympathy and good wishes … except for Falwell, who is an evil sonofabitch.

Over his long career as a vile televangelist building an empire of bigotry from the donations of poor people, Falwell has supported South African apartheid, called AIDS an invention of Jesus to punish gays, attacked Martin Luther King and U.S. civil rights, and blamed 9/11 on feminists and homosexuals.

Reached in Heaven, the Lord God said he was “looking forward to speaking to Jerry,” and that God’s loyal lieutenant Satan Von Lucifer would “go Abu Ghraib on his fat ass for the next 10 million years.”

Tonight: A Very Special GOP Tribute To Jerry Falwell

Tonight’s Republican debate in South Carolina should be really good, as the 10 douchebags fall over each other trying to give the most praise to racist bag-of-shit Jerry Falwell, whose Jabba-like corpse is still warm yet comically unresponsive.

After the jump, join us for some speculative praise for Big Fat Dead Jerry from the candidates.

South Carolina is sort of the “sister state” to Virginia when it comes to racist fundamentalist theocrats, so we can expect some extra-heavy pandering to the god squad this evening.

About the only drinking game you really need for tonight is this: Drink heavily whenever any candidate says something similar to our projected slobbering on Falwell’s corpse, and drink heavily whenever they don’t.

Mitt Romney: As a faithful believer in the exact same Jesus that Jerry Falwell so faithfully served as a fellow Christian who believed in the same Jesus all Christians so faithfully believe in, I just want you to know I’m not actually a Scientologist Polygamist Space Monster Frenchman, and Reverend Falwell was, like me, a firm believer in Jesus and the ghost of Jesus, Amen fellow Christians. Y’all.

WALNUTS! McCain: Reverend Falwell was my best friend and we both loved Jesus so much. We prayed together every day about the countries I would bomb when I’m president, and how we would bomb everything, and Jesus would guide our missiles. I will bomb everything. I will blow up the world.

Rudy Giuliani: I, I just want to say, that, that on 9/11, when I was leading America, with … with the help of Judith, I mean Jesus, I mean Jerry, Jerry Falwell … we had our, our differences, but in the end … uh, he died. Uh, 9/11 … abortion’s very good, I mean bad. Jesus ….

Sam Brownback: I am over here, running for president, president of the culture of life. Jerry Falwell was the main proponent of our American culture of life — until he tragically died today, and put me in charge of the culture of life, as your new president, because he died and can’t do it anymore.

Mike Huckabee: I, too, am over here, and running for president. Unlike Mitt Romney and Rudy Giuliani and John McCain, I am the only one who truly is stopping the abortions, because my best friend Jerry Falwell wanted you to vote for me.

Tom Tancredo: Like my great friend Jerry Falwell, I have long spoken out on the threat of Mexicans. My fellow Republicans, MEXICANS KILLED YOUR GOD. MEXICANS KILLED JERRY FALWELL.

Tommy Thompson: I am in the bathroom, and my hearing aid doesn’t work. I didn’t mean to say Jerry Falwell is a tub of shit — I didn’t hear your question.

Ron Paul: The Constitution doesn’t allow for Jerry Falwell to die. Wonkette