Research shows that the Bush Regime's

abstinence-only sex education programs

are not only utterly useless

but they actually invite all manner of disease

and destruction and savage karmic pain

upon those who attempt to stick to them

Anti-sexual thoughts make you into some sort of

shrill humorless neoconservative evangelical QVC addict

with a thing for plastic lawn ornaments,

Purity Balls, Coors and all things pleated

We've also found devastating evidence

linking the widespread activity of not having good,

respectful, dirty, open-mouthed sex

to everything from acid reflux to infertility

to global biochemical warfare

to a chronic adoration of Adam Sandler

A comprehensive new study from a team of researchers from Johns Hopkins University has come to a decisive conclusion regarding sex education in America.

Their astonishing research shows that the Bush Regime's abstinence-only sex education programs are not only utterly useless and a complete waste of taxpayer money, but they actually invite all manner of disease and destruction and savage karmic pain upon those who attempt to adhere to them.

It's true. Such programs have long been touted by sexually denuded Republicans and nervous Christian righters and applauded by the Taliban and fundamentalists and Ann Coulter as some sort of psychosexual panacea.

Some sort of dour, clinical, sex-is-bad-for-you hammerblow to the sensual human soul all meant to act as some sort of humiliating deterrent to our fleshy, dangerous, sex-obsessed culture.

These programs lead directly to severe anxiety, hair loss, acne, whininess, temporary blindness, adult bed-wetting, screaming, lousy taste in shoes, death, pararectal abscesses and even, in rare and bizarre cases, an overwhelming urge to date Jenna Bush.

"We are completely stunned at these far-reaching, nearly universal results which have emerged from every country in the world except Saudi Arabia, Oman and much of Utah," said Dr. Claudio Ortega, lead researcher of the Johns Hopkins team.

No wait, check that. We're really not stunned at all. Actually, the results make a whole heaping truckload of very obvious and forehead-slapping sense.

I mean, come on. Say no to sex until you're married? Abstinence is the only truly moral path? Where are we, 1756? What's next, trepanning and lobotomies and hurling virgins into the volcano to appease the corn god? Are you people high?

Put it this way. Anti-sexual thoughts make you into some sort of shrill humorless neoconservative evangelical QVC addict with a thing for plastic lawn ornaments, Purity Balls, Coors and all things pleated

We've also found devastating evidence linking the widespread activity of not having good, respectful, dirty, open-mouthed sex to everything from acid reflux to infertility to global biochemical warfare to a chronic adoration of Adam Sandler.

It's really quite astonishing. Except for the part that it's totally obvious.

Here is the most astounding fact of all, the thing that makes you want to scream in the faces of these legislators and religious nutballs and pour a gallon of honey over them and then toss them onto a giant mound of gay fire ants.

"Sex is just ridiculously good for you. Sex is good for the heart. It's good for the blood. It's good for the mood and it's good for depression and it's good for self-esteem and it's good for making you feel more human and alive and present in your skin.

Do it right and sex shoots huge gobs of endorphins and raw divine energy into your id and it's good for raising your kundalini and inspiring awareness of the cosmos and it's good for calmly and casually noting the interconnectedness of all things from all time in all places everywhere."

Did you know sex actually improves your sense of smell? Helps the prostate? True. Also reduces stress. Improves sleep. Improves circulation. Relieves pain, menstrual cramps.

Improves fertility. Helps you live longer. Look younger. Goes great with jeans. Goes perfectly with red wine, white wine, pink wine, sake, beer. Dress it up, dress it down. Take it out, or stay at home and rent a movie.

It is the universal traveler. It is the Super Glue of the gods. It is the bond that connects all and to deny any of this to kids is abhorrent and insulting and you can rest assured that Jesus himself is just incredibly ashamed that these programs even exist.

Look me in the eye, Yes, this is a fantasy. I am a fantasy, OK? The sort of raw, real sex education human children deserve will never happen in your lifetime, not on any large scale, not with the whiny self-righteous Christian-righters screaming into their underwear and trembling at the sight of their own genitalia."

But here's the thing: You need to know these facts. You need to keep this arrow of hot, deep sexual knowledge in your quiver, sharp and polished and ready to launch at a moment's notice, OK? For when the time comes. For when the Great Transformation occurs. OK? Trust me."

The study comes as a severe blow to the legion of grim, devoted abstinence educators and sour Republican government officials who still refuse to acknowledge that the U.S. government has now wasted upward of 1 billion taxpayer dollars in the past 10 years on abstinence programs that have had, to put it simply, exactly zero effect on teen sex behavior.

Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Unfortunately, this has not stopped the inept Bush administration from proposing $191 million for these unscientific, medically inaccurate programs for fiscal 2008, an increase of $28 million over 2007's failed, useless levels. Mark Morford @ SFGate