Pleasure-oriented sex is less focused

on accomplishing specific goals

but rather on the shared experience

The primary focus is on mutual pleasure,

fun, intimacy etc.

There is no right way, wrong way or

"supposed-to" behaviors that must happen

Goal-Oriented Versus Pleasure Oriented Sex

Many of us, especially men, are taught from an early age that achievements count; that what makes a successful man is what he accomplishes.

While this goal-oriented strategy may have advantages in your career or on the playing field, applying this strategy to your sex life may actually set you up for some disappointments.

Sex therapists simplify things by distinguishing between two common approaches to sex; goal-oriented and pleasure-oriented.

Goal-oriented sex is where two or more partners are working to achieve specific results.

There is often a step-by-step progression they feel obligated to adhere to and follow. This type of approach to sex often includes many unspoken assumptions and expectations.

On the other hand, pleasure-oriented sex is less focused on accomplishing specific goals but rather on the shared experience.

The primary focus is on mutual pleasure, fun, intimacy etc. Which means there is no right way, wrong way or "supposed-to" behaviors that must happen.

Both of us have to cum, right?

A very common tenet of goal sex is that both people have to orgasm before it is "officially" over; having an orgasm becomes the marker of "successful" sex.

If one person doesn't cum, there can be a sense something was not "right" and the experience was "a failure" or "incomplete."

This can lead to frustrating and exhausting attempts to help one partner orgasm, even when both would rather just stop.

Pleasure sex doesn't view orgasms as absolutely necessary. Rather than placing so much meaning on cumming, the focus can be on other aspects of the experience.

One partner could orgasm and the other might not, and it wouldn't be viewed as "problematic."

It is OK to say "I don't need to cum" with a smile on your face. You can always come back to it later or not at all and everyone is happy!

Getting what you give

Another common assumption in goal-oriented sex is the idea that sexual acts "should be" reciprocal.

Take oral sex, for example; some guys believe that if one guy sucks the other, then the other guy should return the favor. If this is desired by both partners, that's great.

You're focusing on the pleasure of it and not the goal of taking turns. However, there are scenarios in which one guy is only into sucking or being sucked and not the other way around. Pleasure sex is open to partners doing what they prefer -- with less expectation of getting what you give.

Keeping it up

Goal-oriented sex often depends on everyone maintaining an erection. If one or both men are not erect or have difficulty keeping it hard, then the sexual experience is seen as a failure or somehow deflated.

Some guys will become very self-conscious and even feel like a failure because they lose their erection. Even some bottoms will feel discouraged because they weren't hard while being penetrated. The erection becomes a marker of good sex.

It is unfortunate that some guys will avoid sex altogether because of erectile insecurity or dysfunction. While an erection may be necessary for intercourse or penetration, it doesn't "make or break" the entire experience.

If an erection goes south, sex can shift into a different activity that is less dependent on staying hard. There are plenty of sexual activities and ways to find pleasure with a partner that are not erection-dependent, but that's a whole article in itself.

Acting your part

Most adult-film or Hollywood images of sex tend to reinforce the goal-oriented model, which is often linear -- meaning that the sexual experience is often depicted as a series of behaviors that occur in a specific order with little variation.

For example, kissing first, nipple play second, then oral sex, then anal sex and then orgasm -- maybe followed by some closing remarks.

I find it interesting to consider where these scripts come from and how they evolved, but that's another article, too.

The pleasure model has no expected order. It is more fluid -- no activity needs to come before the other.

Partners can start with anal sex, stop and go to oral, then to kissing and nipple play and then maybe to jerking off. The idea here is that sex doesn't have to be linear or follow a script. Let it flow naturally and see where it leads.

It's what gay guys do

Another common misconception is that gay sexuality is defined by specific behaviors, expectations or dynamics.

For example, a guy who doesn't enjoy being rimmed but thinks it is "just a normal part of gay sex" feels he has to go along with it in order to be considered sexually "normal."

Or a guy who doesn't like to kiss anyone except his boyfriend, but finds himself "just going along with it" because he feels it is an expected part of sex.

Neither partner should feel obligated to engage in anything that is uncomfortable or not enjoyable.

There is no set idea of what is "normal" gay sex. Being gay and sexual doesn't mean you have to have your ass eaten if you don't like it.

Although shifting toward a pleasure-oriented experience can definitely give your sex life a boost, it can be challenging to break out of that familiar mold. One reason is that it requires more verbal communication in and out of bed.

So, throw out your goal-oriented ideas of sex, grab your partner(s) and just have at it. Remember, it's up to you to decide what's fun and pleasurable -- and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.