On some level, all porn is ridiculous,

even the really excellent smut. But it's something

that helps us masturbate, and orgasms are pleasurable,

and pleasure has value. There's a line, however

I really hate all this fucking fake lesbian porn

Fake Lesbian: When a women pretends to be a lesbian as a way of turning on a man. By doing this she makes the male erect but refuses to stimulate him to ejaculation. Also causing blue ball

Emily pretended to pull Jo just to get a kick out of giving me a hard-on. She is a fake lesbian.

Lesbian Acts

Semi-pornographic displays of lesbianism,

performed by straight girls for straight boys, are everywhere

When Big Brother contestants Makosi and Orlaith had a "steamy lesbian romp" on national television, the tabloids dutifully recorded it - but no eyebrows were raised. Why would they be, when much steamier fare is so easily available?

This month's Front magazine, for instance, boasts a photo-story headlined "Rug Munchers: Terri and June enjoy a picnic in a field". Curiously, there is not a Thermos or a pork pie in sight.

For these lesbians, picnicking mostly involves spreading your legs and assuming a look of bored ecstasy while a girl with inflatable breasts pops a cherry into your mouth.

There are no fewer than five Sapphic-themed photospreads in the September issue, including a regular slot called "Just Add Lezzies".

Should you wish to see hot lesbian action in the flesh, there's no longer any need to venture into the red-light district.

At a recent motor show at Birmingham's NEC, girls in lacy G-strings were paid to writhe around on car bonnets touching tongues.

Nor is it just glamour models who pose as lesbians for the titillatation of heterosexuals.

A study last year found that American high schools were experiencing a sudden explosion of Sapphic activity - but only in public.

Playgrounds and teenage parties were suddenly rigid with snogging girls who, when questioned by researchers, admitted that they were only doing it to pick up boys.

And if it has happened in America, you can be certain that it's happening here. Children learn from popular culture - and the lesson they seem to have absorbed is that lesbianism is a sex toy for straight people.

The lesbians this culture serves up, with their cartoonish figures and expressionless eyes, are not the real thing.

The Dykes Are Fake

January was Fake Lesbian Month. The new in thing is to pretend to be a lesbian -- or to at least be coy about it.

On the red carpet for the Golden Globe film and television awards, Entertainment Tonight eye candy Jann Carl propositioned movie star Halle Berry (this is from memory -- but I got the basic idea down):

"You look gorgeous! Will you go home with me after this?" Carl got an enthusiastic, "Oh yeah! Would you go home with me?"

Desperate Housewives star Eva Longoria attended the Golden Globes with another woman -- and when eyebrows were raised, made such a huge joke about coming out that it was clearly, good-humoredly false.

Also this month, the National Enquirer published its annual "Who's gay and whose not among Hollywood's female stars" issue.

None of the lesbian (or bi) stars were a surprise, as they've all been up front about it (let me save you the dough: Cynthia Nixon, Megan Mullally [married to a guy], Jillian Armanente and Alice Dodd [married to each other], Heather Matarazzo, Anna Nicole Smith, Cher (an experimenter only), and Sara Gilbert.

Much more interesting were the fake lesbians -- the ones who either aren't out, are straight and don't care what anyone thinks, or really aren't dykes.

Some hets are publicly involved with someone of the opposite sex -- and there's nothing wrong with saying so when confronted with talk of lesbianism (endless rumors of infidelity, after all, will hurt a monogamous relationship).

But there was also a large collection of "no-comments," an awfully refreshing reaction. And the many "she plays one on TV" gave readers a solid look at the many lesbian characters in prime time.

There's still more for the Fake Lesbian Month of January.

On the TV series Law & Order, Elisabeth Rohm's character, Serena Southerlyn, was fired from her job as an assistant district attorney. At the same time, her character was outed to the audience.

The last few lines? "You're not firing me because I'm a lesbian?" The reply came: "No." Southerlyn then says, "Good... good." And credits rolled.

Over on The West Wing, the hetero C.J. Cregg was accused of being a lesbian on the Internet (a storyline clearly influenced by actor Alison Janney's many dyke admirers).

Trooper that C.J. is, she tosses out her prepared statement when ambushed by reporters and speaks from the heart:

"It’s none of your business." Oh I know, some radicals will see this as too earnest and goody-goody -- but that's because they forget how truly nasty the world is out there.

Surely making C.J. a real lesbian would miss the whole point about what heterosexuals CAN do.

And that's what Fake Lesbians are all about. We're seeing role models like C.J. Cregg -- role models for straights, I mean.

We're seeing still more lesbian and female bi characters on TV shows (like on The O.C.). And we're seeing actresses refusing to issue panicky denials or to freak when teased about being real lesbians.

How extraordinary in an era where a right-wing and religious George W. Bush was just inaugurated for his second term as U.S. president and gay people are bracing for four years of hostility.

(And in an era where Canada's official opposition Conservative Party has just launched a blitz of anti-gay-marriage television ads.)

Bring on the fake lesbians! Many of Hollywood's writers and female stars, at least, are trying to help.