There are two fundamental concepts which define

and guide the sadomasochistic sexual lifestyle:

trust and consent. It takes a great deal of trust

and courage to submit voluntarily to a whipping,

or to kneel at another person's feet in true humility

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Sex & Sadomasochism: Trust & Consent [Source]

There are two basic and fundamental concepts which, above all others, define and guide the sadomasochistic lifestyle: trust and consent.

It takes a great deal of trust and courage to submit voluntarily to a whipping, or to kneel at another person's feet in true humility.

But I strongly feel it requires considerably more trust and courage to acknowledge that one wants to do so initially. What do we do in sadomasochism?

We learn to trust: Whom to trust; how to trust; when to trust. Because without trust, we are in great peril.

Some of my best friends are lovable dingbats, somewhat flaky but fun. But I would not do SM with them.

In sadomasochism, we need to trust our partners, subs especially need to trust their dominants. I submit that trust is like the brakes on our vehicle: Without them, we cannot safely drive.

Without trust, we can't start practising sadomasochism

Trust is arguably the most important ingredient to each and every one of us in our particular subculture.

By that we mean trust just not in the relationship established between partners, but that which has been built into the structure of the sadomasochistic culture itself.

It has been noted that a concern with one's reputation within a subculture and the recognition that this may affect the consequent availability of partners may serve to keep behavior within acceptable boundaries.

In order for sadomasochism to be safe, we must trust each other because we are playing with bodies, minds, and emotions in a way more intense and more deeply intimate than in many other types of sexual activity.

We are crossing physical, mental, and emotional boundaries, pushing and exploring limits, and none of this is possible without trust.
Trust is an absolute essential.

To build trust requires a willingness to risk and some common sense

Since sadomasochism is consensual, there is always some talking, before, after, and sometimes during play, so that we all know what is going on.

It is much easier to trust when we have discussed the things we want and do not want out of the experience, and we can relax, knowing our limits will not be accidentally crossed.

It is very rewarding for someone to come and say that they trust me so much that they will allow me to do whatever I want with her. That is not something he or she will say in other parts of their lives, their straight lives.

In fact, our straight lives usually consist of building walls between individuals. I see sadomasochism as a way of breaking down the barriers; it requires total honesty, and that takes trust.

We can never take for granted there is going to be someone around who will play safe and not cause real damage.

I mean, in the real world, there are plenty of truly damaging and abusive experiences available to any willing masochist.

But the fact a submissive would let a dominant whip him or her, someone they know they could trust not to really hurt them, but someone who would do it with care and sensitivity, with technique, with control, and who would enjoy doing it; that is both an incredible gift to give and a privilege to be given.

Sadomasochism is an exchange of gratification

I think SM done properly is both people working at what they are doing to make the other happy. Sadomasochism to me is an exchange, first and foremost, of trust, and then of respect.

Sadomasochism has been called "power exchange sexuality," signifying that the submissive partner gives up all personal power to the dominant.

The dominant partner accepts this gift and, in exchange, assumes power over and responsibility for the well-being of the submissive for whatever period of time they have negotiated.

This is an immense exchange. As a dominant, I have tremendous respect for the people I dominate, because they are allowing me to do what I want.

Giving someone that trust is one of the greatest gifts that anyone can give or receive. He or she is putting their life in my hands, as they trust me that much. This power exchange is a truly balanced exchange.

You can't receive more than you're willing to give

The prerogatives are commensurate with the responsibilities willing to be assumed. I suspect that many relationships are kept viable by tacit agreement not to explore too deeply, not to know one another too intimately.

Sadomasochism calls for a higher standard of trust and communication than most relationships; this may explain why so many people fear SM: they have never trusted anyone that far.

Trust is most dictionaries is defined as "faith" and "reliance." Reliance in our context, means the knowledge that the dominant knows what he or she is doing; and the faith that he or she will not, and indeed, does not truly want to, cause real damage.

Trust is the foundation of all sadomasochistic relationships

The degree of control that people show in SM, the degree of consciousness, self-control, self-knowledge, and self-acceptance, the immense degree of care and trust with another person; these are very intimate qualities.

And I see in sadomasochistic play that, even though maybe they are novice folks taking a few fledgling steps, they learn to trust more and more each time, and they handle it with all the beauty and joy, caring and concern.

For that person to dare to do such an intimate kind of communication makes a beautiful experience.

Clear, informed, and verbalized consent is a moral

dividing line between brutality and sadomasochism

Partners must voluntarily and knowingly give full consent to sadomasochistic activity before it begins. It is that simple.

The issue of consent, of whether sadomasochistic activities are consensual or not, is a clear one to every sadomasochist.

While not many people will speak directly on behalf of the sadomasochistic community in total, I will do so in this particular essay.

We have chosen to do these activities, we have chosen the people with whom we share them, we know what we are doing, and what we are doing is consensual. Period. Play hard! Be consensual and safe!